SHITPOSTx20; OPEN

[incelligent]

I've got a question.

CONFIRM/DENY:

Horny (adj.) The state of having or possessing horns, somewhere on the person of someone or something.
Example: That big ol' rhinocerous right there? He's one horny guy.

P.S. Horn (n.) Not to be mistaken for a horned instrument. Think 👿 not 🎺
P.P.S. A rhinocerous or "rhino" for short is a mammal with thick skin and ivory tusks (horns) found in specific regions of my home world. For those of you who may not know what they are, here's a picture for reference. See what I mean? Big horny guys!

[*This post is open for anyone and all voicetesting! Take it as an old Meadowlark network post with the simon.laurent handle, or anywhere on the interdimensional interwebs. Love you all! Hope you're staying safe.]

Comments

[incelligent]

[He meant the good at communication thing, but, yeah that works too-]

I know.

It's just that... Everyone always seems to prefer the flashy stuff.

[lifetothefullest]

Yeah, but half the people here would probably also be entertained by jingling keys.

[So, you know. Who cares.]

[incelligent]

Why jingle a buncha keys when you could rub two knives together?

[SIMON]

Provided that, y'know, you don't blunt 'em too much.

[lifetothefullest]

I wouldn't really trust any of the people I'm talking about to be anywhere near knives. Better to just stick with the keys, or like, maybe some brightly colored tinsel.

CHRIST CW???? UM??? I DONT EVEN KNOW

[incelligent]

When it comes to handlin' sharp pointy things, you really gotta take proper precautions. You don't wanna poke an eye out and end up like Lucy.

[...Ah, right. Lance wouldn't know who that is.]

She's fine. She can still see with um... One of her eyes.

[lifetothefullest]

Yeah I think I just won't take any chances.

[He's had so many injuries it's honestly a wonder none of them have led to disfigurement at this point. Losing an eye sounds like the legit worst though.]

[incelligent]

Makes sense.

You don't seem like the type.

[lifetothefullest]

[He isn't offended, but he has to ask--]

What do you mean?

[incelligent]

You don't seem like you'd get a kick out of fightin' people or punchin' things.

[lifetothefullest]

Oh. Yeah, that's pretty accurate.

[incelligent]

Haha! I knew I'd be right about that one.

[stupid smug little bitch]

[lifetothefullest]

[He won't directly call out that smugness, but--]

If I were giving off the opposite impression I'd have to seriously reconsider my behavior.

[incelligent]

Well look at you, Mr. Prim and Proper.

Who're you tryin' to impress anyway?

[lifetothefullest]

Who says I'm trying to impress anyone? I'm pretty sure 'doesn't like fighting' isn't very impressive.

[incelligent]

It feels very goody two shoes.

Either that or you're just some kinda lazy slacker guy.

[...Which.

Come to think of it could actually be true. Lance does seem very Over It when it comes to uh. Just about everything.]

Quick question- Would you rather hop on a spaceship and explore a new planet or sit on the couch and watch a movie you've seen ten thousand times?

[SIMON... THOSE ARE MARKEDLY DIFFERENT SCENARIOS]

The movie's one you like. Let's say it's your favorite.

[lifetothefullest]

[Well this has taken a hilarious turn and he considers playing along, but instead decides to ask--]

Did I ever tell you what my job is?

omg FUCK ASLDKFJADF ITS TIME FOR THE BIG REVEAL

[incelligent]

No.

[And for some reason, Simon has never thought to question that.

Talking to Lance was just so easy, natural, and soothing.

That doesn't happen very often.]

Are you, like, an accountant or somethin'?

SORT OF ANYWAY

[lifetothefullest]

FBI agent. Which, if the FBI doesn't exist in your world, basically means I'm a governmental police officer who usually works murder cases.

So after dealing with murderers and potentially risking getting shot or something every day, violence has really low appeal to me.

[Of course he's only telling half the story--both in terms of his job and the real reason he wants nothing to do with fighting and danger--but whatever, it's still true and relevant.]

[incelligent]

That's so cool, oh my god. Wacky! Wild. Neato!!!!

I have so many questions.

What's the weirdest case you've ever been on? Oh, oh, strangest murder weapon? Did you ever get to meet the president?

[lifetothefullest]

[Omg Simon please, though Lance doesn't necessarily object to the questions.]

The first one coming to mind for the weirdest was the person who ended up in a giant chocolate bar, though I wasn't an agent yet for that case, just consulting.

Most murder weapons were pretty mundane, but maybe the nail gun.

No, though I do live in Washington D.C.

[incelligent]

Was the guy dead already? Did he at least get to eat some of the chocolate? Or was he just trapped in it...

[ASDLFAJSKDFK]

A nail gun? Whoa!

That's so awesome! You're an even cooler guy than I thought.

[Which implies that yes. Simon did think Lance was cool before.]

[lifetothefullest]

I think the body was just dumped in the chocolate, but I don't remember; it was like four years ago or something.

[Wait, no, that's not right--]

Or maybe more like six, at this point.

Thanks, but I'm really not that cool. It's just a cool job.

[Until it got him murdered and all that, but you know. Before that it was pretty cool.]

[incelligent]

Oh, ew, uh, haha...

That's gnarly.

[But still... kinda sorta coolio]

And hey, would it kill ya to just take a compliment once in a while? Gosh.

[lifetothefullest]

It was pretty gross.

[Not so gross that Lance hasn't purposefully tormented one of his friends by eating chocolate in front of him, but still. And as for that last comment--]

Sorry. I just don't want to take credit for something that isn't really warranted.

[It feels disingenuous, fake, self-serving. He's better at taking compliments for things he feels like he's truly earned himself, but this isn't one of those.]

[incelligent]

Well, okay then.

[He thinks. What is a compliment that Lance truly can take credit for-]

I liked the vanilla brownies you made a while back. They were really good! Even without the chocolate.

But, like, can we really even call 'em brownies then? Since they aren't really... Brown. Anymore.