SHITPOSTx20; OPEN

[incelligent]

I've got a question.

CONFIRM/DENY:

Horny (adj.) The state of having or possessing horns, somewhere on the person of someone or something.
Example: That big ol' rhinocerous right there? He's one horny guy.

P.S. Horn (n.) Not to be mistaken for a horned instrument. Think 👿 not 🎺
P.P.S. A rhinocerous or "rhino" for short is a mammal with thick skin and ivory tusks (horns) found in specific regions of my home world. For those of you who may not know what they are, here's a picture for reference. See what I mean? Big horny guys!

[*This post is open for anyone and all voicetesting! Take it as an old Meadowlark network post with the simon.laurent handle, or anywhere on the interdimensional interwebs. Love you all! Hope you're staying safe.]

Comments

SORT OF ANYWAY

[lifetothefullest]

FBI agent. Which, if the FBI doesn't exist in your world, basically means I'm a governmental police officer who usually works murder cases.

So after dealing with murderers and potentially risking getting shot or something every day, violence has really low appeal to me.

[Of course he's only telling half the story--both in terms of his job and the real reason he wants nothing to do with fighting and danger--but whatever, it's still true and relevant.]

[incelligent]

That's so cool, oh my god. Wacky! Wild. Neato!!!!

I have so many questions.

What's the weirdest case you've ever been on? Oh, oh, strangest murder weapon? Did you ever get to meet the president?

[lifetothefullest]

[Omg Simon please, though Lance doesn't necessarily object to the questions.]

The first one coming to mind for the weirdest was the person who ended up in a giant chocolate bar, though I wasn't an agent yet for that case, just consulting.

Most murder weapons were pretty mundane, but maybe the nail gun.

No, though I do live in Washington D.C.

[incelligent]

Was the guy dead already? Did he at least get to eat some of the chocolate? Or was he just trapped in it...

[ASDLFAJSKDFK]

A nail gun? Whoa!

That's so awesome! You're an even cooler guy than I thought.

[Which implies that yes. Simon did think Lance was cool before.]

[lifetothefullest]

I think the body was just dumped in the chocolate, but I don't remember; it was like four years ago or something.

[Wait, no, that's not right--]

Or maybe more like six, at this point.

Thanks, but I'm really not that cool. It's just a cool job.

[Until it got him murdered and all that, but you know. Before that it was pretty cool.]

[incelligent]

Oh, ew, uh, haha...

That's gnarly.

[But still... kinda sorta coolio]

And hey, would it kill ya to just take a compliment once in a while? Gosh.

[lifetothefullest]

It was pretty gross.

[Not so gross that Lance hasn't purposefully tormented one of his friends by eating chocolate in front of him, but still. And as for that last comment--]

Sorry. I just don't want to take credit for something that isn't really warranted.

[It feels disingenuous, fake, self-serving. He's better at taking compliments for things he feels like he's truly earned himself, but this isn't one of those.]

[incelligent]

Well, okay then.

[He thinks. What is a compliment that Lance truly can take credit for-]

I liked the vanilla brownies you made a while back. They were really good! Even without the chocolate.

But, like, can we really even call 'em brownies then? Since they aren't really... Brown. Anymore.

[lifetothefullest]

[This is a very cute effort, and Lance appreciates it.]

Thank you, I'm glad you liked them. I'll have to shove more baked goods at you in the future.

Same, though I'm not sure what we'd call them instead.

[Creamies? That sounds... Not appropriate. Beigies? Even worse, that sounds like some sort of slur.

Vanilla brownies it's gonna just have to be, probably.]

[incelligent]

Aren't they technically blondies?

And, uh, I'm not just sayin' that because I'm blond.

[lifetothefullest]

That's a way better name than I was trying to come up with, yes. Let's go with that.

[incelligent]

I'm pretty sure I've had one of those and they're fairly similar.

Y'know, back in the day.

[Pre-Train.]

[lifetothefullest]

Now that you mention it that sounds vaguely familiar, but I don't think I've ever had them.

[Because who'd opt for vanilla when chocolate's available? Not him, that's for sure.]

[incelligent]

[Simon actually would, but ohp, he'd never admit it.]

They were the kinda thing that grandmas would make where I'm from.

[Where he's really from.

Shoot, he's being so sincere, he doesn't even realize what he's saying. It can also be assumed that Simon maybe received a lot of blondies because... Well, he is a blond.]

I know they're not everybody's favorite, but...

I always kinda had a soft spot for 'em.

[lifetothefullest]

Did your grandmother make them, or someone else?

[He's only guessing based on Simon's choice of words, and the answer could go either way, but this is an easy and pretty safe way to ask a little about Simon's family. Lance never had any grandparents himself, so he's always a little curious about stories about them.]

[incelligent]

Sometimes?

She wasn't around for very long, though.

You could say I didn't really know her.

[lifetothefullest]

[There goes that idea of subtly finding stuff out; that's too vague for him to work with without asking directly, and he doesn't want to do that. He gets the sense there's something unusual about the situation, from the wording Simon uses.]

I'm sorry to hear that. Did you have any other grandparents?

[incelligent]

Technically... Yeah?

But practically... No?

[Meaning he's never met them.]

[lifetothefullest]

[Hm.]

My parents were older, so I didn't know any grandparents either.

[Not for the same reason it seems, but he offers the comment so that Simon hopefully doesn't feel put on the spot and the exchange is more even.]

[incelligent]

Can't say you really missed much.

Mostly, they smell funny, hug you so tight that you can't really breathe anymore, and tell you you're "handsome" even though they've got a crazy strong prescription and can barely see two feet in front of 'em.

[SIMON THAT IS REALLY RUDE...]

[lifetothefullest]

[That is so not the response he was expecting, but it's kind of hilarious.]

Maybe that's why they do the hugging, so they can get you close enough to see.

aSDFLKAFASFJASKDFJ SIMON....

[incelligent]

Ew.

[lifetothefullest]

Hey, I didn't say it was a good thing.

IMM LIKE CRY LAUGHING THIS IS SO AWFUL

[incelligent]

It definitely isn't.

The smell gets worse the closer they are.

THEY'RE DUMB AS HELL

[lifetothefullest]

Terrible.

Is it better or worse than being hugged by someone with too much perfume on?