SHITPOSTx20; OPEN

[incelligent]

I've got a question.

CONFIRM/DENY:

Horny (adj.) The state of having or possessing horns, somewhere on the person of someone or something.
Example: That big ol' rhinocerous right there? He's one horny guy.

P.S. Horn (n.) Not to be mistaken for a horned instrument. Think 👿 not 🎺
P.P.S. A rhinocerous or "rhino" for short is a mammal with thick skin and ivory tusks (horns) found in specific regions of my home world. For those of you who may not know what they are, here's a picture for reference. See what I mean? Big horny guys!

[*This post is open for anyone and all voicetesting! Take it as an old Meadowlark network post with the simon.laurent handle, or anywhere on the interdimensional interwebs. Love you all! Hope you're staying safe.]

Comments

[incelligent]

Well, okay then.

[He thinks. What is a compliment that Lance truly can take credit for-]

I liked the vanilla brownies you made a while back. They were really good! Even without the chocolate.

But, like, can we really even call 'em brownies then? Since they aren't really... Brown. Anymore.

[lifetothefullest]

[This is a very cute effort, and Lance appreciates it.]

Thank you, I'm glad you liked them. I'll have to shove more baked goods at you in the future.

Same, though I'm not sure what we'd call them instead.

[Creamies? That sounds... Not appropriate. Beigies? Even worse, that sounds like some sort of slur.

Vanilla brownies it's gonna just have to be, probably.]

[incelligent]

Aren't they technically blondies?

And, uh, I'm not just sayin' that because I'm blond.

[lifetothefullest]

That's a way better name than I was trying to come up with, yes. Let's go with that.

[incelligent]

I'm pretty sure I've had one of those and they're fairly similar.

Y'know, back in the day.

[Pre-Train.]

[lifetothefullest]

Now that you mention it that sounds vaguely familiar, but I don't think I've ever had them.

[Because who'd opt for vanilla when chocolate's available? Not him, that's for sure.]

[incelligent]

[Simon actually would, but ohp, he'd never admit it.]

They were the kinda thing that grandmas would make where I'm from.

[Where he's really from.

Shoot, he's being so sincere, he doesn't even realize what he's saying. It can also be assumed that Simon maybe received a lot of blondies because... Well, he is a blond.]

I know they're not everybody's favorite, but...

I always kinda had a soft spot for 'em.

[lifetothefullest]

Did your grandmother make them, or someone else?

[He's only guessing based on Simon's choice of words, and the answer could go either way, but this is an easy and pretty safe way to ask a little about Simon's family. Lance never had any grandparents himself, so he's always a little curious about stories about them.]

[incelligent]

Sometimes?

She wasn't around for very long, though.

You could say I didn't really know her.

[lifetothefullest]

[There goes that idea of subtly finding stuff out; that's too vague for him to work with without asking directly, and he doesn't want to do that. He gets the sense there's something unusual about the situation, from the wording Simon uses.]

I'm sorry to hear that. Did you have any other grandparents?

[incelligent]

Technically... Yeah?

But practically... No?

[Meaning he's never met them.]

[lifetothefullest]

[Hm.]

My parents were older, so I didn't know any grandparents either.

[Not for the same reason it seems, but he offers the comment so that Simon hopefully doesn't feel put on the spot and the exchange is more even.]

[incelligent]

Can't say you really missed much.

Mostly, they smell funny, hug you so tight that you can't really breathe anymore, and tell you you're "handsome" even though they've got a crazy strong prescription and can barely see two feet in front of 'em.

[SIMON THAT IS REALLY RUDE...]

[lifetothefullest]

[That is so not the response he was expecting, but it's kind of hilarious.]

Maybe that's why they do the hugging, so they can get you close enough to see.

aSDFLKAFASFJASKDFJ SIMON....

[incelligent]

Ew.

[lifetothefullest]

Hey, I didn't say it was a good thing.

IMM LIKE CRY LAUGHING THIS IS SO AWFUL

[incelligent]

It definitely isn't.

The smell gets worse the closer they are.

THEY'RE DUMB AS HELL

[lifetothefullest]

Terrible.

Is it better or worse than being hugged by someone with too much perfume on?

HOW IS THIS GETTING WORSE

[incelligent]

Uh, worse?

Mostly 'cause... I'm pretty sure with perfume you can just wash the stink off.

I dunno if you can really do that with the Stench of Ye Olde™.

BECAUSE NO ONE'S STOPPING THEM

[lifetothefullest]

I don't know about that; have you ever tried getting perfume out of a suit?

[incelligent]

Whoa, whoa! Hey there, man.

Didn't take you for that kind of secret agent.

[BRUH 💀💀💀💀

wink wonk]

Then again, you do always manage to surprise me.

[lifetothefullest]

I'm going to just take that as a compliment and then also ignore it.

[incelligent]

Sooo, who's the lucky gal?

[Now he's just being irritating on purpose.]

Or guy! Or, y'know what, could be an alien sharkmonster for all I know.

[Because um... With everything he's seen here... That's a possibility.]

You got a type or somethin'?

[lifetothefullest]

[Oh no how has this conversation taken this turn.]

An alien sharkmonster would be pretty cool.

[But deflection aside, he could lie. He could even tell half the truth and probably get away with it no problem. But isn't he trying not to do that so much?]

My girlfriend doesn't wear terrible perfume, I just get randomly hugged by people during cases sometimes.

[He's also ignoring the question about if he has a type, because he definitely does and is also not getting into it.]

[incelligent]

You have a girlfriend?

[Wow literally everybody is spoken for except for him. Wtf?

And then, more sincerely (wow this is real progress here, a sign of how much he Actually Likes Lance):]

What's she like?